Last Updated on August 5, 2015
[Republication of a blog entry. Orginally published in Dec. 2004]
The profound significance of making I-statements
I imagine the first impression of someone reading this would be “What the heck does that mean… What’s an I-statement?”—and understandably so.
The extent to which people in my cultural environment (the English speaking ones) talk in second person when discussing personal experience is almost 100% of what I hear. Hence it has become completely normal. So normal that some people I have met either resist the idea of changing this habit and/or find it really challenging to change it once they notice what’s going on.
Here’s a simple example of what I am referring to:
“Hey Joe, how are things going with you?”
“Well Bob, not bad. But ya know, I’m still having a real hard time with my wife and family. You know how it is. You get home in the evening, and the wife starts going on about this and that, and all you wanna do is sit down, have a bear, and relax a bit. You just want to put your feet up and unwind from the day. Yet there’s my wife ranting and raving about all this stuff. Then when she thinks you’re not listening she starts to get more and more wound up and you just think ‘screw it all’ and you get out of the house to get some quite time to yourself”.
Here’s another example:
“Bob, what’s your favourite thing you like to do?”
“Oh mate… well that would have to be fishing. I just love fishing. Man oh man… you get out there on the water… you’ve got a few tinnies [cans of beer] at hand and a nice rod in the other hand, plenty of bait that you picked up at the shop on the nice drive out to the beach.”
“So tell me, what it is about fishing that you like so much Bob”
“Well, when you’re just sitting there… quietly waiting. It’s so calm. You feel really peaceful. All your worries start to pass away and all the stuff you were worrying about at work just disappears. Then you’re just out there all alone with just the ocean, the birds and you sitting there. You don’t even care if you catch anything at the end of the day. You just like being out there. You can sit and think about things without any interruption. It really helps you to get a handle on the week. I like that a lot Joe. You just can’t get any better than that…”
Now, perhaps reading this sort of thing in written form makes it seem really apparent. I am not sure though. I certainly seemed really apparent for me but then again I am use used to talking in the first person that when I come to write in the second person I find it quite odd. Then when I read over it I find it quite odd to read—just as I find it rather odd listening to people talking about their personal experience in the second person. Yet, maybe if you are used to people talking in the second person then reading the above statements will seem quite normal to you? I don’t know, but I think the example is clear and quite accurate.
So, take a read over the above two examples. I’ve drawn these two examples from direct experience—they are very close to what I’ve actually heard people say, and they are quite normal. Now let’s take a look at them again. This time I will put them in the first person:
“Hey Joe, how are things going with you?”
“Well Bob, not bad. Although I am still having a real hard time with my wife and family. I feel you might understand; I’ll explain. What I am experiencing is that when I get home in the evening, and Sue starts going on about this and that, all I wanna do is sit down, have a bear, and relax a bit. I just want to put my feet up and unwind from the day. Yet there’s Sue ranting and raving about all this stuff. Then when she thinks I am not listening she starts to get more and more wound up and I just feel like I can’t take it any more. How I feel is like saying ‘fuck it all’ and then I want to just get out of the house to get some quite time to myself. I find it really tough and I don’t know how to handle it Bob”.
… and the other example again…
“Bob, what’s your favourite thing you like to do?”
“Oh mate… well that would have to be fishing. I just love fishing. Man oh man… I love getting out there on the water… I have a few tinnies at hand and a nice rod in my other hand, plenty of bait that I picked up at the shop on the nice drive out to the beach.”
“So tell what it is about fishing that you like so much Bob”
“Well, when I am just sitting there… quietly waiting. It’s so calm. I feel really peaceful. All my worries start to pass away and all the stuff I was worrying about at work just disappears. Then there’s just me—I am out there all alone with just the ocean, the birds and me sitting there. I don’t even care if I actually catch anything at the end of the time. I just like being out there. I can sit and think about things without any interruption. It really helps me to get a handle on the week. I like that a lot Joe. I feel like I just can’t get any better than that…”
Read over these. Imagine saying each one yourself. Feel how it feels to speak these out in first person and in second person. Does it feel any different to you?
My experience with talking in first person was this: I found that it opened me up to a number of things.
1) It made me far more aware of when my I was projecting my experience onto someone else. This came about because the other aspect of talking in first person is that of owning what I am feeling and sharing. Hence if my friend is doing something that results in me feeling pissed off there I can relay that to him in first person or second person: “James, you really pissed me right off mate. You’re such a wanker. You just can’t keep a secret to yourself can you? You prick. I told you that stuff about me and Sue and I knew you’d probably go off and tell Sue’s friend. You just couldn’t keep ya mouth shut. You really piss me off mate”. … or … “James there’s something I want to share with you. Is that okay with you right now? Okay, listen, I understand that you may have shared that stuff I told you about me and Sue, with Sue’s friend. I don’t want to make any assumptions but that’s what I’ve heard and I am pretty sure it’s right. Now you’ve done that sort of thing before James and I really don’t feel good about it. In fact I feel really annoyed. I can hardly begin to tell you what it does to my sense of trust with you. I want you to know this because I value our friendship, and I also value being able to share openly with my friends James, and I don’t want to have to worry about things being repeated. I feel really hurt James. I feel like you’ve let me down, yet I somehow knew you would, so I also feel like I’ve let myself down James, and that’s not something that works for me in my relationship to good mates…”
The first example is nearly 100% projection. You, you, you. Underlying this is “I am a victim, I am a victim, I am a victim” and “You have attacked me”. Healing will not take place so long as this victim~aggressor drama is being played out. Ownership of my experience is vital in order for healing to become even remotely possible.
2) I have found that talking in first person really kicks into play the power of “The word is law”—a universal principle within the grand story of Creation. “First there was the word”. I don’t wish to try and explain that statement too deeply here and now as it is a large topic in itself. I will explore this topic in full in my second book in the Wisdom for a Life of Freedom series.
I will simply say that “The word” (spoken out loud or spoken internally in the mind) is a powerful force. What gives “the word” power is that which I Am. That “I” is the central point of the human consciousness. I am not referring to the personal “I” that this word might bring up thoughts of. “Jonathan” and this “I” are not synonymous. “Jonathan” is that personal element of “I”—which is in fact just part of the grand illusion (you’ll have to read about that elsewhere on this site). The “I” that I am referring to is within you, within me, and within all beings. It is not a separate “I” for each of us, although from here in the human perspective on life that’s how we generally experience it.
So when I talk in first person then a great deal more energy en-pranas or energises my words and thoughts. Most people tend to think to themselves in first person (as far as I know). Hence their thoughts end up being far more of a powerful force than their spoken word. This can result in incongruity between what a person says and what the do—for their actions will reflect their thoughts, not their spoken word. Their doing or action results from the “I” statements they have going on within their internal dialogue.
This article has been sitting here unfinished for a couple of weeks now. So rather than leave it aside I am publishing it now. There is more I could say but I may do that some other time by revisiting this article or writing Part 2.
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